Common Interests of Divorcing People
When a marriage is coming apart, the spouses each focus on their anger with each other and their disagreements. This makes it hard for them to think of the possibility that they might be able to agree at all. As a result, many people assume that any kind of agreement is impossible. At the same time, important decisions need to be made and each spouse needs to be able to get on with his or her own life.
In fact, a divorcing couple has several important needs and interests in common:
- The health and welfare of Children: In a divorce, children do best when parents are able to cooperate and when children are not exposed to parents' hostility toward one another. Parents can commit to cooperation and to keeping the children out of the parents' conflict.
- The cost of the divorce: Spending as little as possible on the divorce will leave more resources for other needs.
- Privacy: The less spouses involve others, the more privacy they have.
- Financial Issues: Planning the separation, support and property division is the best method for seeing that everyone's needs are addressed.
- Time: Making decisions together allows issues to be addressed on a timetable that meets the needs of parents and children; progress is driven by internal factors, not external ones, so the spouses don't feel so forced.
- Amicability: Divorce is a traumatic event in the lives of everyone involved. Conflict is traumatic and increases stress. Keeping conflict to a minimum will keep trauma to a minimum.
- Control: When spouses make decisions themselves, they control the outcome. Turn the decision over to someone else, and that someone else controls the outcome.
- Fairness: Spouses are most likely to feel the divorce settlement is fair if they design it themselves.